I guess you could say I've fallen into a hopeless pit of despair. Ugh. Let me just try and clarify exactly how I feel. Have you ever felt like you are some sort of backup friend? When everyone needs you, and you are there, it's pretty good. They value you, respect you, like you. But when they don't need you, when they have other people to chat and chill with, it's "ta ta, skeet".

Okay, not everyone is like this to me. There are a select good few who treat me good. But the rest - you make me so sick. It's not that I don't like being there for you. I'd just be happy if I'm not the backup, but someone you want to spend time with no matter if the cooler people you know are around or not.

I've been thinking about this recently. I've had plenty time to think about how fucked up my life is at the moment. The highlight of the week is my new comp. Nothing else exciting. Everyone else is having a great time, but I'm just living a pathetic existance. The people I ask to come and chill with me, they make up excuses - "oh, no time... " or "ahhh I can't be bothered". Screw you. Hope while you are lying there not bothered to spend time with your friend you haven't saw in 4 months, you are eaten up by a giant cockroach. Grr.

Why are some people like this. I'd probably be more happy if they just told me the truth - "hey man.. I think you are a giant pain in the ass, get out of my lovely life, you are making it polluted with your weird self". I'd be hurt but I could spend the time I usually use to dwell it more productively.

In case you're not familiar with my current life - I don't start college until September, and in the meantime I have nothing on, not even a job, so human contact is getting even more limited. In addition I live in one of the most boring, icky towns where the only people who would talk to you are... oh I dunno. Can't be bothered to finish that thought.

One good thing, however is not being in love, or even interested in a girlfriend. Too much stress. Couldn't be bothered with it all. I'll cheer up though. Once I get out doing something. I kinda wish I was in Seattle or Atlanta.... at least there would be plenty to do, and a shitload of awesome people to meet.

I don't really think I'm that difficult a person. Although I have come to the conclusion that I do have strange moods. I'm either so depressed or insanely happy. And when I'm happy I act like I'm some sort of weirdo escapee. Maybe I should develop some sort of in between mood. Actually, I can do that. I just don't use that mood much. I never feel normal... just sad or happy.

I actually should look on the bright side. When I think of it, nothing is really bad at all in my life. I just need to get burning up the social scene once more. That will make me superhappy. In fact I'm cheering up as I write it. I've gotten rid of all my negative thoughts, so now I'm free. Woo. :) Hehe. Yeah. I'd say I've cheered up now. Ain't that good. Love SkeeT. (I must add, noone emailed me or signed my guestbook after i asked. *sigh*)

"Take this my arms... take this my eyes... take this my mouth...." - dmb (i probablly messed up in the writing down, listening now ;)

It has finally happened! The papers for my computer came through! Which means once I sign and send and they recieve it will be OH MY GOODNESS!!! delivered! I can't really describe how happy I am now. Everything I have planned will soon come true. And when I get my web cam, look out for some frequent new pictures of your host, my good self! Wooo ;) Hehe,. actually - is that a good thing? Do you REALLY want your screen to crack?!?! :Þ

I sent my mom an email at work with that tongue. She thought it was amazingly swell. Yup Swell. Ahhhhhh. There's not much else I feel like writing. Normal entries will resume when I have calmed down :) That's not to say I won't write, just expect it to be amazingly excited crap! AHhahahah.

So what am I away to do now? Well, I'm away to the post box, then away to have noodles in black bean sauce. Yum. In fact, double yum. Then I shall put on some music, perhaps one of the finest bands EVER - Soul Coughing, and sing, dance, jump and then go outside and run about with my tongue hanging out screaming "WOOOO WOOOO WOOOOO WOOOO"... after my night in the jail, I'll probably have calmed down! hehe. Ooooh what a silly dude I am today. You are probably thinking I am insane. Nah. Just excited. I get too excited. Come on - 1ghz pc with a 19inch monitor. Currently I only have a small 15 incher. Ahhhhhh. Okay. I will spare you any more of this. I'm not really insane! Trust me. Love ya! Oh, and Allan - ya gotta update yo blog, dude! It's been the same entry for about a week. :) Love SkeeT. (Why not email me? or sign my guestbook? Or write me a poem ;) or dedicate a song to me... hehe nah joke... but you can email me or sign! Come on!!!!)

"Your Cadillac breathes, four hundred horses, over blue lines, you are going to Reseda, to make love, to a model, from Ohio, whose real name, you don't know." - Soul Coughing

"Obsess yourself with causality. The information you hear is a loophole, technicality. Behind every object is a mathematic; an obscure substance infused with a kinetic force, energy, an obscure conscience shoots a gun at the feet the world dances." - Soul Coughing

I'm so bored. So I thought I'd write some more. Not really sure what about, though. Right now there's noone to talk to (all busy) so I'm left just doing nothing. I've exhausted everything I can do today. You know how it is, when you are waiting for something, and get restless. I tell you, if these papers don't come through tomorrow to confirm my PC order, I am going to call them and they'll be lucky if they have use of their ear by the end of it. Grrrrrrr. You can tell I'm a little frustrated/annoyed/excited/blah/grr etc.

Just finished watching a few Frasiers. I am a complete fanatic - have over 20 tapes of the show. But you have got to love it! In almost everyway, it is perfect. It deals with raw emotion, doesn't rely on constant gags to keep the show interesting, and almost all the time, the writing is fresh, and very original. Add in the cast of the most amazing actors ever to live, and you get the wonder that is Frasier. Might watch some more in bed tonight to pass the time. Time always slows down so much when I wait. Love SkeeT.

I'm not in a good mood. Okay, I'm not sad or depressed, but extremely angry. Why, you may ask. Okay, I'll tell you. I am not the type of guy who likes to wait for things. And my computer is taking an age. The papers haven't even arrived yet, let alone a delivery date set. I sit up all night drooling over the PC Plus magazine and my catalogue, reading over and over all it's little details. Come on! I haven't had a new one in over three years... it's pretty exciting stuff. I'm just a little excited kid at heart :)

So we have that there. And then you add in the boring times waiting for it. Arrgh. But to crown it all, last night I had a dream I had to murder some sort of half-spook. Not nice. The blood was looking so real, as I grabbed the gun out of his hand and turned it on him. He whimpered, I shot him some more. The most freaky thing about it was my accomplice was Tom Cruise! Argh. What the heck is happening to my mind. Murder. Tom Cruise. Spooks. Shit. The last wasn't what I dreamed of, just my comment on it all.

And you are thinking "Okay skeeter... don't let dreams get to you" but when they involve that sort of stuff, who wouldn't be freaked. I also had a dream of being at my old school (AGAIN!!!) but this time, we were on a coach... oh, wait... the coach dream is also recurring. At my old school, in a coach. Anyone out there take Psychology? Write me and tell me what it all means! So I'm in the coach, and meet my old friend from high school Kok-tung. We used to be great friends, but for some reason are no more.

Well, that's why I'm feeling angry. Waiting and my murder dream. And realising I had great friends who don't care crap about me anymore. But hey. Arghhhhhhhh. Yes, I am screaming as I type. I need to be soothed, I don't know how, I have 10 hours to kill before I go to sleep again. Damn. Oh well, at least being awake keeps me away from high school memories, murder, and Tom Cruise.

I want to give another plug to Frank and his amazing blog. Just so you all can benefit from it :) His writing is great to read - so interesting, and also very insightful. I cannot ever write anything good or interesting, but I do know good writing when I see it. And Frank's rules! yay! See y'all - SkeeT.

I just realised I've been walking around with my t-shirt on backwards. Grr. I was cheered up after that, though, when the mail came - sweet little anna mailed me some Kool Aid! Cherry Freeze artificial flavor - yum! :) Mucho thanks to ya, Anna. :)

I finally have some money to spend again. This time I'm going to be very economical. Although I need a haircut and other things, it's just going to have to wait! I guess I could get a job, but there's nothing good around here with any vacancies.

Any of you out there single and happy because of it? I am! Amazing, but very true. Don't get down on not being in a relationship - I mean, they are usually more trouble that they are worth. And not many people in relationships that I know are all that happy. It's complicated stuff, and life is so much easier when you don't think about it.

There was a time in my life, in fact all the time before November 2000, where I was obsessed on relationships. I made myself sick over the yearning for someone, then found someone I liked, but being too shy got a friend to pass a note - I never got any reply. So I asked myself what I was really missing. Hugging - okay, well if I was in need of a nice hug, I have my friends. Kissing - okay, maybe i'm not going to ask my friends to kiss me (ha! as you all sigh in relief) but I'm sure I could last without a kiss. Kissing my hand could work ;) Then I guess there is sex.... hey, I couldn't really care about that. I wouldn't be up for that in a relationship anyway for at least 6 months of dating. I'll last. God bless Victoria's Secret catalogs (hehe joke).

So everything I yearn for in a relationship, either isn't all that important, or I can get it from my friends. Friends rule - realise their worth. I wouldn't swap my friends for anything. Each one is so special to me in a unique way, and I love ya all :):) *Hugs* and special *Polarz* for Allan :) Oh... but to Ally.... *Firm punch on the shoulder* for ya, Slugger :)

I did some singing this morning. Put Weezer on and started to El Scorcho and Undone (The Sweater Song). Oooh Weezer rawk. Here's a band for anyone who likes Weezer etc.... Soul Coughing. They are different.. kinda mellow but funky and punchy. Yep. That's my review of them. But check them out. That's the entry - hope what I said made sense. Take care y'all! SkeeT.

Not really all that much to say today. I guess I'm a little tired - woke up at 1pm today after dreaming of being in a camp with two 18 year old cheerleaders on each side of me, and they were touching my arm. Weird, eh? Well, maybe, but kinda enjoyable ;)

I have a few little extras planned for my blog. Just an about me page, and maybe something else. I have set up a guestbook, so if you have time please sign it. You know, I only use blogger because it's easier to update the site, but it keeps changing my code. It's annoying me. I used to do my blog without any tool, who knows one day if blogger keeps annoying me I'll return.

Check out Frank's blog - it's really cool. Great writing, something to actually read and enjoy, and the design is great too. Take care, y'all! I'm gettin mah new comp soon - I'm too excited it hurts. I printed out a pic of it and put it next to my bed - ahhhhhhh. :Þ

At the moment I am trying to get this blog onto a faster server. For some reason, CWC are amazingly slow these days, and I don't want you all to have to wait an hour for the page to load. Bear with me as I take care of this.

I feel a tingling today - want to take up snowboarding or something. Just hope my town has somewhere to get started - the center down the road looks promising. I'm taking life by the scruff of the neck! Wooo ;) Also, taking up either street dancing or some other kind hopefully. I want to shake my world up.

I was talking to my best friend, Allan, today. He was a little down because of the people in the world who think they know it all. They think they are so wise, say stuff to you, and make you feel bad. Well, I'll just say to all of you, don't take notice of them. I learned a long time ago not to take notice to anyone who makes you feel bad. If they are making you feel bad, you don't need that in your life. These people feel inferior, and to prove their own worth, to make themselves feel like they are great, they make you feel bad. Don't pay any attention. I'm telling you all now, there is something so special about each one of you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Have you ever felt held down? What I mean is, you want to do something, but you don't feel you can, because you might (a) let people down, (b) be talked about or any other reason. Here's an example - You want to leave school or work because you hate it. You let your parents or partner down. Or you like someone, but if you asked them for a date, your friends or other people may look down on you. I think these fears are majorly the cause of a lot of our unhappiness. How many times have you not done what you wanted?

When I was in high school, I hated it. The people were snobby, horrible, nasty people who always sneered at you, or wanted to bring you down. (Not all, I might add - some of you reading still go to my old school.) So I got out. This made my mom and dad very unhappy. But it made me feel alive, free and wonderful. In September I start college. I didn't care about the consequenses - I did something to make me feel happy. Never be held back!

I'll stop preaching. I just feel so strongly about this stuff. A lot of you are very unhappy, not living your life the way you want to. I aim to change that.

Now, here's a plug for my good friend Ally's new site. It really is quite eye-catching, don't you think? I'm planning a new site myself just to flex my designing muscles. And I'm also getting a new computer! I ordered it yesterday. Seeya. Love SkeeT.